Dear Cassie,

Yesterday, you turned three months old. And what a month it has turned out to be. When you read this book years from now, you will notice that there aren’t many “Daily Cassie” shots in your mosaic. I apologize for that in advance. You see, we moved quickly from California to Baltimore where our family lives. As a result, there just wasn’t much time for taking pictures and playing and then once we got here there was no real way to edit and publish the images so all I have are cameraphone pics. I will upload what I do have in your next batch and try to better in the coming months.

One of the most notable things about you as you become a little person is that you are not only so beautiful it hurts, you are an extremely easy going baby as well. I didn’t really appreciate this in California because I was so overwhelmed with everything but you really are the most chilled-out baby I’ve ever seen. As long as your schedule is kept to a “t”, you could care less about anything around you. Noisy restaurants, dogs barking, shopping, moving in and out of the car, passing you from admirer to admirer, none of that phases you. Oh sure, sometimes it catches your attention, but you seem to intuitively understand that it’s not going to “get you” so you relax and look around with mild curiosity or just turn your head away and go back to sleep. It’s an amazing ability, really.

Back on May 7, I took you in for the required two month well baby visit and Round One of shots. Talk about feeling like the worst mother in the world! The doctor called in two nurses who seemed to attack your poor, defenseless little body from all angles. All at once they gave you two shots in each leg and a liquid up your nose. Not surprisingly, you cried and cried and my heart just about broke when I realized you were actually crying with real tears for the first time. The nurses left and I sat in the examining room cradling you and feeding you a warm bottle, which you gulped in between sobs as you clung to my index finger with one hand and the neck of my blouse with the other. Eventually the tears stopped and by the time I had you dressed and in the car you were sleeping peacefully again. You were clingy and cuddly for much of that afternoon but by dinner time you were back to your old antics.

The rest of the month went by in a flurry of lunch dates, goodbyes and packing. Things between your father and I had deteriorated so badly that it just wasn’t healthy for me to be there any longer. We both agreed that what was best for you was for me to take you back East to a more stable environment where you can be surrounded by family and friends who love you and would do anything for you. Cassie, you are going to hear a lot of things about what happened with me and your daddy and unless you know the details, it would be easy to get the wrong idea about some things. You are, of course, much too young to hear the details about this kind of thing but I want you to know this: you were wanted very much and you are loved by us both more than I ever thought possible. I have my own demons to fight over this situation, but I never want you to doubt that I would do it all over again if I knew you were the outcome. I hope very much that you will see your daddy the way I do: as a good, intelligent, passionate man who wants what’s best for you and who loves you very much. No matter what else you hear, remember that.

Just before we left California, late in May, you finally mastered sucking your thumb. This is one of the funniest things I have seen you do. You struggle and fight to get the thumb in your mouth and then you splay your other fingers over your face as your eyes just get bigger and bigger until they might just pop out of the sockets. It is absolutely the most adorable face you have made to date. You have these ostentatious “bling” binkys that your cousin Jenna and I found in Target as well as at least a dozen others in different shapes and sizes but nothing beats the taste of that thumb for soothing you too sleep these days ;-)

You also smile more consistently now, a real social smile that is clearly not gas at all. You don’t really giggle but you are getting there. Grandma is fond of telling me how you grow ten feet every day and you have six fingers and six toes and two belly buttons full of milk. Just between you and me, Grandma is a great big silly goose who maybe exaggerates things a bit. But you should humor her anyway because she loves you more than I think any of us can possibly comprehend. You are clearly the light of her life and she would do anything in this world for you. I hope as you grow, you cherish this special relationship with her and the value of having a relatively young grandparent nearby. I had a similar relationship with your Great-grandma Carrie when I was growing up and many of my happiest childhood memories revolve around times spent with her. Remind us to tell you the hamster story one day when you are older and you will see what I mean.

I love you, Goblin.

Mommy

Cassie: Month 2, originally uploaded by bellonientes.

Since I didn’t get these uploaded in time to include in the previous post, I am adding this month’s mosaic here.

Dear Casssie,

Today you turned two months old. In some ways, it is unbelievable to me that 54 days ago, you weren’t even alive and now you are suddenly turning into an actual person with your own traits and quirks and pet peeves. You pretty much slept through the first 22 days of life but it seemed like the minute all the family members went home, you woke up and realized “Hey, there is a whole world out here to explore. Where did everyone go so fast?”

Everyone who meets you comments on both your beauty and strength. I have to admit that I have admired these traits myself but I have to admit to being a bit biased on this particular matter ;-) You had strong control over your head right from the start and strong opinions on what you liked and didn’t pretty soon after (likes: being held on Mommy’s shoulder, Gerber bottles, staring at the vertical blinds dislikes: waiting, Avent bottles, sleeping on your back indifferent: to the existence of anyone not actively coddling you).

Having you has been the biggest trauma and the greatest joy of my life, sometimes simultaneously. It’s not easy to do this in isolation but there are moments scattered throughout almost every day when I fall in love with you all over again. One day I will have to explain to you the events of the past six months, but for now I am just trying to focus on the magic that is in every day with you, in the feeling of utter contentment and peace that comes over us both when you nestle your forehead into the crook of my neck, grab the neck of my blouse and let out your soft little baby sigh as your body molds into mine.

Lately, you have begun some hilarious antics. You want desperately to control your movements and you can’t so it results in the comedy of your focusing intently on an object and flailing your arms around like a nutcase in desperate attempts to make them do what you want. You can almost hear the synapses firing as you try so desperately to force your brain and hand to work in synchronization. Sometimes you start pumping your legs and your eyes get so big and wide while you wave your arms that I just can’t help dissolving into laughter. We call it “Goblin’s Silly Baby Dance” and I am totally going to embarrass you by playing back the video when your 12 years old.

You also have no patience for the foolishness known as “tummy time”. Not because you dislike being on your belly like a lot of babies but because you can’t stand the idea that you are not capable of pushing up on your arms just yet. The complete indignity of being face down on the floor is just more than you can bare at times.

I call you Goblin these days because it’s a double entendre. You started opening your eyes wide and cutting them at me out of the corners while you “gobbled” your milk in the morning. And when you frustrate me, I sing the Goblin King song from The Labyrinth to you and threaten to call the goblins to come get you ;-) The threats are for my own amusement but the singing really dies seem to help on occasion. You will sometimes quit wailing and gaze up at me all wide eyed like a china doll. I like to think you are wondering why you are stuck training this ridiculous woman to properly care for you when you do this.

This much I will promise you, Cassie, mommy will make mistakes as we go through this journey together. Sometimes I won’t know what to do or how to do it. One day I won’t be able to soothe your troubles with a cuddle or a hug or a song. But as long as I can, I will. And even when I can’t, I’ll try.

Mommy’s here. Mommy will always be here for you.

Love,

Mommy

cassie0419082, originally uploaded by bellonientes.

Mommy loves you, silly goose.